Rawness of Emotions

178My children are amazed at how easily I can cry, it can range from movie watching (who doesn’t cry in “My Girl” when Vada says goodbye to Thomas at his funeral) to watching a re-run of Cathy Freeman winning the 400m gold at the 2000 Olympics. I mean, I can cry singing the national anthem at my children’s school assembly. When we watch TV or a movie and there is a potential “crying” moment the kids all pop their heads up from their cosy positions and ask “are you okay Mum?”. Quite often I get a little defensive and tell them to get back to their popcorn, other times I just let the tears flow…

Apart from movies and sporting highlights many of my tears are the result of my children. Sure, tears sometimes because I am just so bloody tired and overwhelmed at parenting three children while managing a career, while juggling social calendars and keeping myself looking half fit and healthy but tears mostly because parenting makes you feel raw, raw with emotion. I remember reading an interview with Nicole Kidman after she became a mother for the first time and she spoke of the rawness she felt and I thought what a perfect way to describe the feelings of being a parent. From the minute you hold that new baby it’s like your skin has been pulled back and whether something joyful or something heart breaking happens the intensity is so much greater because of that rawness, and the roller coaster of rawness never stops…

My 77 year old mother often states, it doesn’t matter how old your children are your heart will always be breaking or busting for them. Great, a lifetime of rawness!

Child # 2 is a “Physie” girl, so I spend a good part of September to November crying as she competes. I cry when she starts marching (because I can’t believe how she looks beyond her eight years when she holds her head up and starts stretching her long legs around a community hall). I cry when she places (complete joy, goal achieved), I cry when she doesn’t place (complete heartache, goal missed). I cry when the other girls place or don’t place because I feel the joy or disappointment of their families. I just cry….

Late last year I cried with child #1 when he missed out on a place as school captain / vice captain. He is a laid back kid, easy going, likes to stand at the back. I refer to him as my flat liner as normally he shrugs off a loss or something he has missed out on. So to see him so disappointed and upset was in all honesty a bit of a shock, I knew he was keen for the role but I really underestimated just how much it meant to him. This time I didn’t want to cry but how could I not, that good old rawness.

Maybe others aren’t as raw as me, I quite often refer to my husband as a robot (with a heart) as he is so objective and practical which balances me well. Having completed Myers Briggs personality profiling I know I am at the extreme end of being a “feeler” and I feel confident that even if I never became a parent I would still be raw. Whether I am shedding a little tear or crying a bucket load, I embrace it because to feel the pain of peoples hurt and disappointment is to also feel the sheer joy and happiness of their achievements and that is what I call living.

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